CAVEMAN ENCOUNTERS: Goon-smacked at Noon, Hotel Boulevard

As a concerned citizen, Nairobi city dweller, tax payer, General Manager of my chain-of-businesses empire, husband to a minji-minji woman who was difficult to woo but I managed, father to a bubbly 5 year old daughter, a respected man in the society and faithful tithe payer in church; I took time to assess several issues before I could bring them to public knowledge. I watched as our beloved city fell to the hands of goons and hawker crowding the avenues and shop front, hawking their wares and lifting pockets of harassed wananchi. Kanjo running up and down the busy streets, as they play hide and seek with the ever-running and vigilant hawkers should stop, and lasting solutions be found. The nuisance of burst sewer water and flooded streets when it rains is surely a problem that should not be bringing a city held in high regards like Nairobi.

I arranged a media conference in Boulevard Hotel, Nairobi with concerned friends and stakeholders, whom after weeks of consultation and comparing notes decided I chair a sitting with invited media houses representatives and discuss these issues. I had prepared adequately for the daunting task ahead and ensured I was both mentally and physically prepared. I did not drink the previous night, so that I slur in my speech or get smacked in the face by some unknown enemy who lurks in the dark alleys waiting for an opportunity to grab me by the neck and kick me in the balls. Rather, I watched Malcom X videos form the comforts of my home in Jamhuri Estate, Madaraka. I had purchased a green suit which would suit the day, which I had labeled: ‘Okoa Nai, Bring the G-Swag Back’, with green as the symbol for hope and productivity.

Illustration by Lewis Wafula, Caveman+ Media

When I stepped out of my black Subaru Outback in the parking area of Hotel Boulevard and was making my way to the hotel lobby, I was greeted with a cheerful and focused Buria Cheloti, a reputable businessman whom we had planned together on the proceeding of the day. He informed me that the others were already in the conference room with the journalists, awaiting my arrival. We walked briskly towards the conference room reserved for the media briefing, and I was ushered to the reserved seat with microphones well placed to record sound of the proceedings. Upon the usual salutations and introductions as way of courtesy, I began my well laid out speech. No sooner had I reached the third punch line than goons, heavy built, rough looking fellas entered the crowded room and caused all kind of commotion. The meeting was disrupted as I was roughened up and treated like a man caught pants down by a KDF soldier in his bedroom harvesting his wife. It was the worst day of my life. I lost my new expensive Italian, brown pair of shoes, Blackberry Passport, prepared speech, my green jacket and most of all my respect as a learned and concerned citizen of Kenya and Nairobi dweller.

All this fracas was because I had malicious intends of insulting and degrading the Governor on his performance. It never even crossed my mind that I was insulting him. As a matter of fact, I had a billion shilling road map to end all the confusion and troubles we have in Nairobi, if only they could let me finish. I was actually creating a solution and an opportunity to approach the serious problems Nairobi faces, through a non-compromising, birds-eye-view, economic, we-have-seen-this-before perspective, but I was never given a chance. Instead, I was chased like a dog caught gobbling hen’s eggs. I am licking my wounds, and I shall revisit…

One Comment Add yours

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